Ken Burns Presents The Terrible Reality of Pre-American Snacking

By Casey Hall

Casey Hall lives and works in a stupor. He often thinks of that scene in UHF where Weird Al puts a hot dog in a Twinkie and squirts cheese on it.

~ 13,000,000,000 Years Ago
A theoretical mote of an uncomposed universe nibbles on the dust of the cosmos.

~ 1,000,000,000 Years Ago
Primordial Ooze on the right, Primordial Ooze Light on the left.

~ 150,000,000 Years Ago
There is surprisingly little meat on a pterodactyl wing.

~ Also 150,000,000 Years Ago
For the herbivorous, may we recommend an 18-year-old cave slime?

~ 20,000,000 Years Ago
One great ape ruffles through the matted, napped fur of another in search of a succulent tick.

~ 2,000,000 Years Ago
A Neanderthal, name of Shug, beats a dragonfly the size of a modern Volkswagen into a paste that he intends to spread on fibrous swamp reed at a party he is hosting that evening.

~ 1,900,000 Years Ago
It unclear to man what food and what not food. Thing usually not food.

~ 15,000 Years Ago
Woolly rhinoceros goes extinct. JUST GREAT.

~ 5,000 Years Ago
Between shifts of back-breaking labor, young pyramid builders portion out mud-cured cat whiskers from canopic lunch pails.

~ 3,700 Years Ago
Invention of the pot helps usher turtle shells off of the cooktop and onto the table.

~ 2,100 Years Ago
At the poshest bacchanals your options are pretty much perfumed snake tongue or the testicles of eunuchs.

~ 2,000 Years Ago
Nothing but loaves and fishes, always fucking loaves and fishes.

~ 1,000 Years Ago
It has been 12 weeks since the inhabitants of a small Norse settlement buried a shark under loose sand and gravel. Soon the bacteria will build up enough, and rotten shark meat will explode from the earth. This is the season’s only celebration.

~ 600 Years Ago
As a prank, the inedible parts of a schepe [sic] are boiled inside of the inedible part of a cowe [sic].

~ 395 Years Ago
Huddled in a waterlogged corner of the Mayflower, 80 pilgrims split a three-month-old biscuit. Three hundred and fifty years later, Doritos were  invented.