Dan Christofferson

beeteeth.com

You and Albert Einstein are planning a weeklong road trip across the American Southwest. What snack do you pack in your little Coleman cooler?

I bring some dried mangoes, raw almonds, toasted coconut and then blow his damn mind with a big bag of peanut butter M&Ms. Albert brings some gross flax crackers, liverwurst and a little bottle of the weirdest German pickles. Needless to say, he feels really stupid and eats all my shit before we hit Flagstaff.

It’s game night at Emily Dickinson’s house and you can’t show up empty-handed. What’s your move?

I bring dried seaweed, cashews and like five boxes of those Samoas Girl Scout Cookies™. Emily has all this wine, olives, fine cheeses and shit and tells me how my snacks don’t really play on a theme or really even go together. I sorta just smile and nod, then catch her later stuffing her FACE so hard with those cookies.

It’s Thomas Edison’s office party and you’ve signed up to bring cups and snacks. How are you going to take this get-together to the next level?

T-Ed asked me to bring cups because he’s cheap. Dude throws a party and asks his guests to literally bring everything. So yeah, I bring cups, but they’re tiny, like, little sacrament cups. And everybody has to do the tiniest sips of shit. T-Ed is sorta pissed, but I bring out those mini Reese’s PB Cups and some tiny Goldfish crackers and do a whole, “Hey look! We’re all giants of this earth!” bit. Everyone loses it and Thom does that thing where he wags his finger at me and just kinda nods his head.

You and Frida Kahlo have been walking around for two hours, trying to decide where to eat and now you are hangry. What do you snack on so you don’t bite each other’s heads off?

Yeah, at this point I’m seriously starving. We passed this badass fish taco place like 20 minutes ago and Frida just shrugged it off and said something about how bougie their chips and salsa were. I’m ready to eat the fruit right off of her stupid Carmen Miranda hat when I notice one of those dudes selling boxes of candy heading for the subway. I buy one of everything and eat a whole bag of Doritos Cool Ranch before she can even tell me how horribly inauthentic the ranch spices are. Tell me something I don’t know, Kahlo.

Ernest Hemingway is stuck at home, waiting for the cable guy, and he needs you to bring him something to munch on. What do you grab on your way over?

First of all, I’m so nervous. Dude’s a super-star writer, and I’m an illustrator from Salt Lake City. Plus, I heard he’s super moody, and I don’t really know how to navigate that. I cut up a Pink Lady, and a huge, crunchy Honeycrisp apple. I grab some maple-flavored almond butter and go the extra mile with a couple ice-cold Pellis (San Pellegrinos…doi) with lime. I show up and Hemi looks me up and down, sees the snack bag and gives me the slightest nod. To anyone else it woulda looked like an indifferent stare, but I felt like fireworks went off inside my chest. He barely ate either of the apples, but he basically chugged the almond butter.