Justin Pervorse

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You’re standing outside a 7-11 when the aliens land. They can only survive on Earth for 2 minutes and you only have 2 dollars. What snack do you buy to teach them about humanity and provide sustenance for their long journey home?

I’m going to send my new alien buds home with some Little Debbie® mini donuts. Luckily they are usually a dollar at most so I grab the mini frosted and mini crunch flavors but I’m feeling like these guys need slightly more variety so I pocket a pack of the mini powdered flavor as well. Don’t steal kids, unless it’s for aliens.

You’ve been counting for months and finally your baby daughter has enough teeth to chew a chip. Which chip do you choose to start her human snacking experience?

Luckily I am a parent in the real world and I let my little guy take a nibble off one of my Doritos once. Strictly the original nacho cheese flavor though. Don’t even talk to me about “cool ranch”. Also don’t tell my wife about this or she might revoke my personal snack privileges.

You’re a rebel and you’ve just won the war. What do you and your comrades munch on together as a free people?

I think this victory calls for a wing party with swimming pools of ranch and blue cheese dressing to soak our celebratory snack with even more flavor. Flats only though because the drums are hit or miss on the meat to bone ratio.

You’re 10 years old and you mom has asked you to clean your room one too many times so you’re running away. There’s enough change in your piggy bank and enough space in your bindle to bring one snack into your new life. What do you buy down at the general store?

I’m feeling pretty scrappy and ready to make Bear Grylls look like an amateur so I’m going with a good old fashioned bag of beef jerky. I’m playing it smart and make one piece last for a nice stretch before I find the perfect place to become one with mother nature. I’ll use a few pieces as bait for my new found interest in trap making to make more jerky from my bounty of squirrels and rabbits.”

You’re up in the club and you’ve just fallen in love. But in the morning, for reasons you’ll never fully understand, he or she will be gone. What snack will you buy at the corner store before you Uber back to your place? What snack will you pair with the the one that gets away?

I figure since I’m already in a very dark place of uncertainty I’m going for a family size bag of pretzel sticks. During my ride home I’ll kindly share a handful of pretzels as I spill my heart out to “Phil”, the proud driver of a brand new Prius who I catch humming to every T Swift track he has queued up on his playlist. Once home I’ve still got close to 3/4 of the bag left so I continue my pretzel binge as I get locked into watching a whole series of some random show I’ve never heard of on Netflix.